Selfish

Hello everyone,
It's been aaawwwhhhhiiilllleeeee. Major life changes? I've switched my major. This was actually the source of most of my chronic stress. I can't tell you how many headaches and sore throats I've had over the first major and minor I had. In the fall, I finally came clean to myself about what I want and my capabilities. I might be smart enough to do but that a) does not reflect in my grades and b) was never what I wanted to do. The major I switched to is much more interesting but will make my parents supremely unhappy. I've also been looking in to CRAS. Like, really really hard.


I used to think that part of my birthright was to be perfect. I am not perfect. I've gone out of my way to prove that to my parents and family (maybe a little too enthusiastically) and I don't know if I've got 'em convinced.

Hah, I sound like a regular teenager. Or maybe not a regular teenager but a regular person, someone who is a sister or brother or daughter or son of someone.

My maternal grandmother came over the summer from overseas. She's so fesity - there's awareness in her eyes and strength in her grip! (Tell me I was surprised when this little 5'1 lady yanked me down to sit next to her!) She leaves tomorrow with my aunt - my favorite aunt ever - who came to pick her up. They are extensions of a greater mass of people who all want me to succeed for various reasons. Their words 'You are not American. You're Nigerian. No matter how much you might wish it, your parents are yours for life.' It's not because I don't love them - not at all. I think I like to believe that it would be easy to cut off ties with family, not because I want to, but because I just don't believe my parents will come to terms with the fact that I'm so different. A lot of my best friends believe I'm selling them short - maybe. It's also that I really think they deserved a better kid. Their firstborn should have been filial and obedient, respectful and kind and honest. I'm not all of those things 100% of the time and I'm very selfish. My sense of self-entitlement is greater than most and while I don't want to add to my parents worry, my dreams are so out of the scope of what any of my perfect cousins want that I feel bad.

I'm the bad egg, the proverbial prodigal's daughter, except I'm not sure whether I'll be coming home at the end of painting the town red and blue. I feel as if I'm going to bring them a lot more heartache without trying down the line so I just want to cut it off so I don't feel guilty about my selfishness. I think I've always liked to believe that I'm free from expectation.

It's a lie that I no longer bother upholding.

Hah, this reads like such an emotional post but I promise you this is me at my most level-headed.

Selfishness. It's amazing how much of it we have. It's incredible how far we'll go to fulfill our own needs. I could lie and say 'I don't want to do this but...' - that's a lie. I do want to do this - and that's the problem.