Ah, to have no worries. It would be lovely. It would be incredible. It would be unbelievable. It would be perfect.
I have no car, few prospects, a job that is no less than 25minutes away from my house on a good day and at least 40 on a bad one, no concrete plan of how I'm going to pay off my tuition, no permit not to speak of a driver's license, little food, and half the money for next month's rent. It's looking like if I rely on either Providence or my friends' mercy, I will always be stranded at my job late at night with no way to get home. If I rely on the taxi cab (which is the 'herro duh!' option here) I will be forking over somewhere in the vicinity of 160 every two weeks. Which...makes me want to slap a toddler. I am also an aspiring writer and yesterday, a story that I've put my entire being into was consummately denied. Let me go ahead and air out my shame -
'Unfortunately due to several complaints we have now received about your story and lack of betaing in regards to the story, we have taken the drastic step to delete your story from our archive. Please be aware that we do not often take these steps, but with the number of complaints we are receiving and the fact you are a qualified beta, we cannot have your story in our archive without it reflecting badly on our site. We are painfully aware that we allowed this story into the archive in the first place and we agree that it was our mistake and not reflected on you at all. However, your story does need quite an overhaul. We have removed you from the site until such time we are confident in your abilities. This email has been cc’d to the admin of the website.
Kind Regards,
She-Who-Wishes-Me-To-Commit-Suicide'
She-Who-Wishes-Me-To-Commit-Suicide'
Is this enough rainbows and sunshine?
...
To put it mildly:
1) I almost wish someone would come along and put me out of my misery.
2) I have had five meltdowns in the last two days.
3) Of those five meltdowns, two have been in public and quite obviously embarassing.
4) I have had nightmares of waking up and realizing that NO THIS IS NOT A DREAM.
5) I have had daydreams where I joyfully picture being hit by a car, mugged on the street, held up in a string of bank robberies - anything to get me some time off of reality.
6) Of those dreams in which I am mortally wounded, I morbidly wonder what my funeral would be like. Is it electronica playing? Neo soul? Who's going to give the speech? Should I donate my laptop to goodwill or shall I just give it to my baby sister so she now has two Toshibas? What would they bury me in? What do they bury people in? Do I have to instruct this in a will? Do I even have a will?!
I am beginning to understand that this, my dear fellows, is not a good place to be. It makes me forget to find my center, or to return to a place where I can pray frankly for some help. Any help. Any divine intervention, really. Where has all my back to school happiness, my joi de vivre gone? I cant imagine that I'll be any fun to be around. I'll be the Mad Eye, except instead of CONSTANT VIGILANCE i'll be wailing CONSTANT DEPRESSION to remind ppl of how good they really have it.
Or maybe I'll become a Moaning Myrtle (this seems way more likely) and just kind of shat on everyone else's life and rain on everyone else's parade all day err day. Who knows, the loss of friends might give me less to worry about.
But alas, I have so much to worry about that I fear that the day will come when I channel this animal right here:
Signing out.
...
...
CONSTANT DEPRESSION!
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